Where is my path?Thursday, October 04, 2012
My immunology class is such a pain in the ass. It gives you hell in a perfectly fine day... It makes me down when I just want to get up and move on. Day by day I try to study it but it never seems to be enough. What is wrong then? Is it me or is it the subject being too damn hard? Today I'm on the verge of breaking down. I am irritated and not really in the best possible mood. What if I didn't enroll for this subject? What if I just enrolled in another class which can be aced easily? Those are just a few questions I ask myself when I don't know what's going on anymore. But... I know I need this subject because it will help me when I enter Med school. Oh Med school, do I really want you? Is this what I really want to achieve? A part of me says "maybe you were just brainwashed when you were a kid". There were times before when people would ask me what I want to specialize in. My default answer would be hmm.. it's either pediatrics or cardiology. But really, that was really just it. I had no ardor when I said those words. And then here go the last months of my 4th year in premed... taking immunology, flanking and/or passing sometimes but just along the borderline. I'm quite irritated with myself because how much I try to do good in this subject, I can't find flying colors. Am I too naive? too slow? No, I really don't want to think that way. I know I have the capabilities...maybe I just don't have the right technique.
Sigh. But can you believe that because of this depression, I find clarity to what I really want now? It's clear as water that was purified 10, 50, and/or 100x!! I am eager to really be a doctor. I WILL BE A DOCTOR. A MEDICAL DOCTOR. I had a battle with myself months ago whether or not I'd venture such path... I kept on telling myself that this aspiration to become a doctor was set before me by my parents but as months go by and as I get older, I realize that I should find more strength, do my best to prove my worth in this journey I started in 2009.
How will I become the best doctor to help my people if I won't do my best right here, right now? If I don't understand my subjects now by heart as a student? RIGHT, maybe this is what's missing in me -- THE HEART. THE PASSION... FULL AS THE GAS TANK READY TO GO A THOUSAND MILES. All this time I was half-hearted. Now I want to straighten up my path, make it full... fuller... fullest until the end.
Times are getting tougher. Now I have to be stronger! This is for my people, my family, myself, and for my God.
It's a positive feedback mechanism after all.
So help me God.♥